Ways to care for your husband

Whether you are newly married or you have been married for years, taking care of your husband is something we wives can get out of the habit of doing. I can tell you my first few years of marriage were NOTHING like the past two years of marriage. For some context, two years ago, give or take a few months, I adopted a new way of life after realizing my husband deserved a wife who did not live in the same pair of pajamas for a week and didn't cook or clean. So, after some soul searching, some researching, and some prayer I decided I would adopt some new habits. By new habits I mean old standards in any marriage prior to the woman's liberation movement. I decided to take care of my husband; mind, body, and soul. I know some of you out there are thinking, 'but what does my husband have to do?!' I hear it all the time. I understand that in our current culture it is hard to do something for others without getting anything in return. Our current culture talks a lot about sacrificing and helping strangers, but when it comes to wives sacrificing or helping our husbands that is slavery or servanthood. Putting aside this thought process aside as I am not here to change the minds of staunch feminists. I simply want other traditional women out there, or aspiring traditional women/wives/mamas out there know they are not alone and to share some of my ideas.

In this post I want to take those same desires to help and serve others and applying that to your husband. If the happiness of your husband is not motivation enough lean on the fact that as wives, we are called to be helpmates to our husbands. We are called to lift up our husbands and make our houses homes. For some that means you have to serve people we do not always see as deserving. Jesus sacrificed in this way. He gave his life to a world that was not deserving so that then we could receive his love and sacrifice. The most hardened man can be softened by his wife if she were just to serve him in a loving manner with no expectations. Serving in this way has the ability to also change your husband's attitude. You may find that if you give your husband love and serve him, he will live up to those acts of service. Of course none of this is meant to make you a doormat or encourage you to become a doormat; but someone has to start this change in your relationship. Since you are here; I am assuming you want to be the start of your renewed marriage. Maybe your marriage is amazing and you just need some ideas! Either way I hope the below will encourage you and inspire you.

Give your husband Space!
Your husband needs a place to create his space.
Feed him!
Clean the house
Be there for him, when he is ready
Be emotionally Stable
Initiate Intimacy
Do not badger/nag your husband
Take Responsibility for the kids
Trust your husband
Do not speak ill of your husband
Keep your marriage between you and your husband.

1. Give your husband space

Your husband needs more space to breathe than we women do. Women have very little issue being around our husbands 24/7, but men need time to wind down and decompress. Women need the same, but it often times looks different from men. So, when your husband gets home from work let him decompress in a quiet place with little disturbance. If you have kids encourage your children to give daddy space. I know this one gets to mothers, stay at home mothers in particular, I understand you have been with the babies all day and you would like a break. I know it is not easy to not want to throw the kids at hubby and have a moment. It is also not something you will be able to suppress every day; and maybe your husband will find if you give him time every day he may not need it every day, but that should be his decision. I hope that this happens for you, however, giving your husband time to decompress will help him feel appreciated for his hard work and give him a boost to handle the rest of the day. This leads me to my second way of caring for your husband.

2. Your husband needs a place to create his space

We all know the typical old movie line, "You're father is in the study; do not bother him while he is in there." This used to be the norm in a household. Father's had a study in which they could unwind, destress, have a hobby, or just nap if needed. We have drifted further and further away from this as a society. We went from Study's to Man caves and now anytime a man cave is mentioned on places like Pinterest they are so girly it's a wonder a man can feel at home in them. Even when i was looking for a stock image of a ‘Man Cave’ or even a sign that says ‘Man Cave’ NOTHING came up. I know many women that do not allow their husbands to have their own space. Men need a room that is their own and we should work to help create that space. Let your husband have his man cave, untouched. We wives normally take over the rest of the house, he needs a place to unwind and keep his hobbies untouched and safe.

Giving your husband his own space also gives him his privacy which should be its own topic on here, but these really go hand in hand to some degree. Your husband deserves privacy, within reason; obviously if something is suspicious you are entitled to understand the full picture. However, your husband should have his own space in the home and his own space in his life. I have found that a normal thing in a relationship now a days is for husbands and wives to check each other's phones, track each other on their phones, and check each other's bank accounts (if they are separate). Unless your husband or you have had a incident of infidelity or have a problem you need to be held accountable for; this is not a healthy way to be in a relationship. In fact if you or your husband have no reason to be checking on each other; it can be seen by your husband or by you as a ding on your/their honor. You are both allowed to have your own lives as long as those lives are honorable and biblically sound.

3. Feed him

This one seems obvious, but I hear too many women now a days ordering out or simply heating up a dinner for their husbands. Just like we love to see our husbands put in effort to meet our needs; we should strive for the same. Plan some good healthy homemade meals for your husband. Not only is it better than the healthiest of take out, it cuts out the whole, "what do you want to eat for dinner" "Anything/whatever/I don’t know." conversation. I get so annoyed seeing wives make fun of their husbands on social media about this very topic. Short of your husband being a professional chef or someone who loves to cook it is your duty as the wife to take care of feeding yourself, your husband, and the kids.

4. Clean the house

Clean the house, not his area, let him clean his own area unless he requests otherwise. If you are like us and your husbands space is in the living room, live with the mess. He will clean up his area; or you will misplace his things (that could just be me though!). You know your husband, if he truly doesn't mind the help, help him. I embrace the chaos that is his area, He cleans it up in his own time and I ALWAYS end up losing the small pieces he works with all the time so I no longer touch them. I do not make suggestions, I let his space be just that, HIS. He has gotten into the habit of cleaning after each project and that works for us. Clean around him and embrace the happiness of your hubby. Cleaning the house shows your family you care about them enough to take care of your and their spaces. I am all for giving children chores; I'm not suggesting you do everything 100% yourself if you do not have to, but if you husband isn't a cleaner, clean for your love of your husband. Sometimes when we make things a habit our husbands will get into the same habits, but again, someone has to start the process.

5. Be there for him, when he is ready

Being there for your husband looks different than being there for your female friends. One sure fire way to annoy your hubs is to try and force him to speak on what is bothering him. Instead, be there WHEN he is ready. I have this almost uncontrollable urge anytime my husband looks the least bit upset to CONSTANTLY ask him if something is wrong. Often times, nothing is wrong…until I have asked more than a few times if he was ok. Now to be fair to all the women out there, you may not be like me. You may be able to give him space even if you think he is upset, but it is a real struggle for me. With our female friends, they often want us to pull their feelings out of them because it makes us feel like they care. Also to be fair to the husbands out there, some may feel the same, but as for my husband and I, and most of the relationships I am privileged to see…most men do not appreciate being badgered about their feelings or much else. I rest in the fact that he feels he can share with me at all. Being there when he is ready gives him the freedom to cope on his own or to use you as a sounding board. If I pull the info out of my husband I have no made it an obligation to confide in me and neither of us end up being thankful for that sharing time.

6. Be emotionally stable

This one may seem odd because in today's world this concept has flipped roles. Traditionally women were the level headed ones. Husbands should be the emotional ones in the relationship. I do not mean that men should constantly scream, cry, whine, or anything like that. Men typically have the tempers (my husband unfortunately has a hot tempered wife, pray for him), women should be calm cool and collected. We are human and fail at it at times, I can tell you that I certainly failed at it and more often than I would like to admit. Strive to be the problem solver, not the problem maker. When hubby gets mad, find a solution; even if that solution is taking a walk, running an errand, or just going outside to give him space. Even if your hubs isn't mad at you, try and find a quite solution. An example for you; our dogs are OBSESSED with my husband. So sometimes when my husband needs a minute, but doesn't want to be in his man cave, he lounges on the couch. Every now and then the dogs will not get out of his face and he gets frustrated. I have a few options here; I can get mad at him getting mad at the dogs and start an argument ( I can proudly say this isn't my go to), I can scream at the dogs to get them to go away (Sometimes my go to, not a healthy one for anyone involved), I can be scared he is getting mad at the dogs (Used to be an issue for me; until I realized I was making more of a deal out of the situation), or I can get the dogs a treat, run them outside, or play with them myself to get them out of his face. This is a quiet solution I opt for now a days; if the dogs haven't had a treat I give them something tough to chew. My female dog LOVES to check on the chickens and the Male dog will follow her to the ends of the earth. If my husband is irritated I pick whatever solution works for the moment; if my husband doesn't feel well I pick a quieter one like running them outside or giving them something to chew. All that to say, be his constant, be his stability. Let your husband be a man and have his moments of freaking out, but you remain calm and find a solution to the issue if there is a solution to be found.

7. Initiate intimacy

I am not saying you have to initiate EVERY single time, but our husbands want to know we want them as much as they want us. If we never start the acts of intimacy it can lead to insecurity. Insecurity in himself and in your relationship. Make an effort to let your husband know you desire him and would like to be intimate. I am not going into more details here; this is between you and your husband ;).

8. Do not badger/nag your husband

We all know the trope of the nagging, but caring wife. Think of any family sitcom, that's 70s show, The Goldbergs, Married with Children ect. Every single one of them has a wife that is constantly badgering and pressuring her husband. While there is a time and place for being insistent, most men resent being constantly questioned and badgered. You hubby is less likely to do something when it feels like an obligation. Remind him but, do not badger. Do not constantly remind him he was supposed to do this, that day or last week. Remind him in case he forgot and move on with your day.

9. Take responsibility for the kids

I see this all the time in new parent's; new mothers have these high expectations for their husbands when it comes to taking care of the kids or even when they are pregnant. I cannot tell you the amount of annoying videos I see on social media about expecting moms and them blaming their husbands for not also being pregnant. Face facts; your husband will have very little to do with the baby for at least 2 years. Not for lack of wanting to help, but because the baby is wholly dependent on mom. To shake off any bitterness, just accept the fact that you are responsible for the kids and their attitudes. Dad is there for backup and punishment, but you keep them in line. Do not be bitter toward your husband because you feel he changes diapers less than other husbands. In my experience most wives are lying about how often their husbands help anyway. It's a fun game we women like to play called 'na na nana boo boo, I'm better than you you'. Every woman does it and we all know it.

10. Trust your husband

This goes in hand with giving your husband privacy, but also it goes with how you treat him and how you talk about him to others. I have seen women complain about how men handle their children or how they drive. Trust in your husband in these moments. Fathers do not interact with children the same way mothers do. Your children need to see the feminine and the masculine. That is how God intended the family to work. Women teach emotional intelligence and men teach the children how to have strength. Your husband loves you and your children and would not intentionally harm you and the children. Life is never black and white enough to make on party 100% correct and the other 100% incorrect. Work together as a team to understand each other. Do not approach your husband to tell him what he is doing wrong, instead try to understand his point of view and help him understand your point of view.

11. Do not speak ill of your husband

Do not bad mouth your husband to your friends and family. Do not make jokes at the expense of your husband. I find it very disturbing when I see wives poking fun at their husbands at their husbands expense. I do not mean you should not tell funny stories that involve your husband; if it is something your husband would tell them himself it may be safe. What I mean is do not make jokes about how dumb your husband is or how incompetent he is. Virtually every commercial on the TV makes fun of husbands; even if you think it is funny do not make jokes at the expense of your love. It is not just in the realm of jokes this happens. I hear wives complaining about their husbands to other women all the time. We have gotten into the habit of telling other wives all the things that annoy us about our husbands. Not only does it dishonor your husband and your relationship; it makes other women think poorly of you or your husband. This behavior also causes other women to think they need to be annoyed about the same issues. So not only are you hurting your own relationship, you are potentially harming other relationships in an effort to seem relatable or funny.

12. Keep your marriage between you and your husband

I have elaborated on this further on my post "Be careful who you air your dirty laundry to". This is similar not speaking ill of your husband. However in this case I am meaning specifically your marriage. Do not speak ill of your marriage to others. Keep your marriage between you and your husband. There are few circumstances where it is appropriate to bring others into your relationship such as; infidelity or abuse. I understand needing a sounding board at times to offer perspective and if your husband cannot provide that at the time; make sure you reach out to someone who will be honest. Someone who wants to see your relationship thrive. Women who do not have respect for your relationship with your husband will let you wallow in your misery whether it is justified or not. Someone who wants to see you and your husband thrive will try and bring understanding and perspective. Be careful who you let into your marriage and even if you need a sounding board try to use your husband as a sounding board before going outside of your marriage.