Be careful who you air your dirty laundry to
"Don't air your dirty laundry in public" most of us have heard the saying or a version of the saying in our life time. If you haven't it means to keep your relationship issues between you and the one you are in a relationship with. Do not argue with your spouse in public or complain about each other in public. Keep your marital issues between your husband and yourself.
I am under no delusion that as women we do not need to talk through situations or feelings; we all do to some extent. My sister and I vent to each other about life, my boss and I vent to each other about company issues, and I vent to co-workers about work. The one thing I learned early on in my marriage; and I learned this the hard way. Was to be careful who you vent to about your husband. Who you choose to vent to about your marriage determines how you feel about your marriage and your husband. In honor of this concept I changed the saying to "Be careful who you air your dirty laundry to."
1. Self-calibrate
Sometimes a discussion may not be necessary; sometimes you can take a moment and calibrate on your own. This is part of learning to pick your battles; is it really that important or are you just stressed. Sometimes when I am stressed a mole hill becomes a mountain. On a relaxed day, week, month tripping over a shoe can make you laugh. If you are stressed tripping over that shoe can suddenly become an argument. Self-calibrate in the moment of rage; is it worth upsetting the house, the kids, your husband, and yourself?
I have had moments where I wanted to lose my mind because I found a sock in the middle of the living room. I wanted to turn around and throw the sock at my husband and demand he pick up his socks from here on out! Instead I took a breath, found my center, and asked myself, "does it really and truly matter?" Does the sock really ruin my day or am I ruining my own day by getting upset over a sock! The truth is the sock was hurting no one. It's not a safety hazard, while it is not the most pleasant thing to smell or look at, it is hurting no one. I could however hurt my husband and disrupt my family if I make a big deal about it. So I picked up the sock after deciding it wasn't worth ruining my families day.
Sometimes I find myself getting annoyed at things because I think I need to be annoyed with them. Back to the sock; I generally do not care about clutter, I am a bit of a pack rat so clutter is just a part of our lives. My husband is a little of a pack rat as well and we both have lots of hobbies so our home is…homey. You will not see my home on a magazine cover unless the name of that magazine is Hot Mess House Monthly. While I am cleaning though I will think of a friend's house that is much more neat and tidy than my home and all of a sudden that sock that normally didn't bother me just sticks in my craw. Occasionally, I'll hear another wife complain about her husband not taking out the trash and lord help me if I don’t randomly get annoyed that I'm taking out the trash! Normally it doesn't bother me, if the trash is full I take it, if he sees it's full he takes it out. Those days where I remember so and so complained I'll be annoyed because I THINK it should bother me. At these moments, I also take a deep breath and ask myself again, "does it really and truly matter?"
2. Air your dirty Laundry with your Husband
Your husband should be the first to know about your woes especially if they are related to him. Explain to your husband how you're feeling; he can tell you his point of view and you can come to an understanding together. Marriage is a journey; you are both learning, have grace and talk through issues. I am a firm believer that no one should know your issues before your husband. Honoring your husband is to keep him in mind. To keep in high regards. Complaining about him to others is not honoring him, it can be belittling to him. How would we feel if our neighbors knew our husbands were irritated with us before we even knew? Honor your husband and talk through struggles with him.
While I advocate for discussing your woes, marital or otherwise, with your husband; I understand that not everyone has an easy time communicating with their husband or maybe hubby isn't the best at communicating with you. I understand that we sometimes need to calibrate and as women; talking with someone is the easiest way to calibrate your feelings. This is why I have changed the saying from Don't to Be careful. If you and your husband are good communicators always talk to your husband first! Even if he isn't the best communicator I still vote for trying to talk it out with your husband first.
Whether your husband is a good communicator or is not the most brilliant communicator try to speak with him. Talk with him about what is on your mind regarding your relationship. You would be surprised what you and your husband can talk through and understand about each other if you give yourselves the opportunity to do so. It may be tough to bridge the gap at first, but practice makes perfect!
3. Who to air your dirty laundry to now
When self-calibrating is just not happening and you do not feel like you can communicate with your husband at the moment, this is the when you start to consider talking to someone outside of your relationship. This is when you have decided to air your dirty laundry. Oddly enough this is the same moment that can help relationships grow and strengthen or where they can be weakened. Who you choose to speak to in this moment will be instrumental in determining how you feel about your issue and how you react. This may sound dramatic, but it is 100% true.
4. Misery loves company
Like I said a few times now; I learned the hard way that who you air your dirty laundry to will determine how you feel; particularly about your marriage. I'm sure you have heard the saying misery loves company? I'm sure you have; if you are miserable you usually make the ones around you feel miserable with you. It may not be intentional, but we all have seen it happen. Well once upon a time; when my husband and I were just dating; I made the mistake of airing some dirty laundry with a friend. She was a good friend and I thought she would help me feel better; well I was wrong. My friend, instead of encouraging me in my relationship decided that now was a good time to call out what I said as a red flag. As she was talking I was thinking, well never again am I speaking to her about my relationship, but what she said stuck with me regardless of how bad the advice was. It made me insecure and uncertain. It was the opposite of how I thought I would feel after talking to a good friend. I kept thinking that this thing that hadn't bothered me that much should be bothering me more! What I didn't know then and I do know now is that my then friend was and probably still is unhappy in her marriage. So instead of comforting me and telling me I was being silly she jumped on the 'that's a bad sign' bandwagon.
Even though I knew the advice was bad and not coming from a place of caring about me or my relationship; it determined how I felt for a short period of time. I do not remember with absolute clarity how long, but I lived in that head space for a bit. Her perspective changed and shaped how I was seeing my situation and determining how I felt! Luckily, I decided to talk with my husband and we were able to work through our issues and come out the other end stronger. I say lucky, but really I just do not deal well with unresolved emotions. I cannot sit and wallow in my anger, fear, or insecurity; I have to talk them through.
If you choose to air your dirty laundry with someone who is in an unhealthy or unhappy relationship you are putting your own relationship on that same path. I have seen it time and time again in person and on social media. I stopped airing my dirty laundry with others pretty much after that one instance, but that did not stop my friend from commenting on other relationships. I watched my friend rip apart relationships with one sided and a single perspective advice. To be fair to this friend, she taught me the invaluable less of keeping my laundry in my home. All credit does not go to her though, it is how my grandparents raised me. I never heard my grandparents say a foul word about each other to anyone and they are happily married for 61 years this year. My friend who regularly complained to everyone about her husband is on her second husband.
Social media is probably the WORST place you can air your dirty laundry. I understand that talking to someone who doesn't know your husband or you, makes you think you will get a neutral point of view. However, I have found that cannot be further from the truth. You will always get a narrow, pointed view from strangers. Women will typically take the side of the woman and men will typically take the side of the man. Rarely will strangers be nuanced enough to truly understand both, you and your husband.
I was a part of a pregnancy app that had a community feature; at first I thought it would be awesome! I thought I could get tons of advice because this is my first pregnancy and I have no idea what is going on with my body or my baby. So I began reading through a few of the posts. Some are cute and not too involved in personal lives, but the more you hang around the more you see the dark side of it all. Social media, depending on forum, is full of people who do not know you, do not know your husband, and do not care about you or him as a couple. I have watched marriages fall apart on that forum; I tried to be the voice of reason and was ridiculed and pushed off of the forum. It was heartbreaking to watch these supposedly happily married women ruin marriages or relationships with such speed!
5. Choosing a healthy third part confidant
This is by far the hardest thing to do because it takes time and requires you to observe other women before you determine if they will be a good confidant. When I say woman I am assuming the individual reading this is also a woman. If you are married or in a relationship; your confidant should NEVER be the opposite sex. As a woman you should not be closer to a man than your husband and as a man you should not be closer to a woman than your wife. It will lead down many paths, none of which are healthy.
When picking a confidant you should find a woman who will push for the full picture of the situation. If your potential confidant is constantly complaining about their spouse, you should move on to someone else. You should find someone who is happily married and will give you Godly advice. You do not want to put your relationship in the hands of someone that is constantly going to validate your bad feelings. Your confidant should push you to see multiple perspectives and push you to talk to your husband. Ideally your confidant knows you and your spouse well enough that they can advise you on ways to broach the subject. Find someone who does not constantly bad mouth their spouse and has shown they can be impartial when needed.
6. Dirty laundry rules
Take a deep breath before adding this to your laundry basket.
Talk to your husband
Do NOT share your dirty laundry with strangers
Calibrate with a healthy third party confidant if necessary
